Blended families - Mix with care
Blended family is the term used when previously separated parents remarry and combine families.
Building good relationships does not happen instantly. It takes time, effort, commitment, and lots of patience. As a new couple with children from a previous relationship, you face special challenges.
We will look at strategies for building a solid and committed relationship with each other, while including each other’s children in the family.
1. Have a suitable courtship period
When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the time to learn and experience their family differences with the view to determining compatibility, adaptation and change.
This can only occur over time and a year or two would be a reasonable minimal period for such courtship.
2. Consider how the kids should address new partners.
During courtship you didn’t expect the kids to call the potential stepparent as mom or dad, but with marriage, many parents do expect this change. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids.
3. Find an “up-side” for the kids.
The choice to marry is based upon the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child’s perspective, they can perceive themselves losing time with the newly married parent. Further, they may now have to share other family resources and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. Allowing time for new relationships to develop and facilitating a tangible benefit to the child in the midst of the changes can minimize the risk of this situation.
4. Determine issues of responsibility and authority.
Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and the limits of authority for the care, management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance and having the children experience these clearly set structures help the children learn and adjust to new rules.
A new partner can be a wonderful and refreshing experience for separated parents. However, before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. The purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.
Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion.
Adapted from: Fogarty, Ferrer, and McCrea http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/HE/HE35800.pdf; Direnfeld http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/blended_families.pdf
Have a question you would like answered? Call 330-674-3015, email shumaker.68@osu.edu, or write to OSU Extension, Holmes County, 10 S. Clay St., Suite 102, Millersburg 44654.
Building good relationships does not happen instantly. It takes time, effort, commitment, and lots of patience. As a new couple with children from a previous relationship, you face special challenges.
We will look at strategies for building a solid and committed relationship with each other, while including each other’s children in the family.
1. Have a suitable courtship period
When children are involved, the issue of compatibility extends to the potential stepparent/stepchild relationship and between potential stepsiblings. During the courtship process, the adults and children use the time to learn and experience their family differences with the view to determining compatibility, adaptation and change.
This can only occur over time and a year or two would be a reasonable minimal period for such courtship.
2. Consider how the kids should address new partners.
During courtship you didn’t expect the kids to call the potential stepparent as mom or dad, but with marriage, many parents do expect this change. As such, what the children call stepparents must be a matter of discussion, not only between parent and stepparent, but also with natural parents and then with the kids.
3. Find an “up-side” for the kids.
The choice to marry is based upon the adults’ desire for a significant intimate relationship. However from the child’s perspective, they can perceive themselves losing time with the newly married parent. Further, they may now have to share other family resources and there may be a change in residence away from familiar community, friends and school. As such, kids may begrudge the new family and take out their upset on the new stepparent as the source or cause of change. Allowing time for new relationships to develop and facilitating a tangible benefit to the child in the midst of the changes can minimize the risk of this situation.
4. Determine issues of responsibility and authority.
Adults entering into blended families need to discuss expectations and the limits of authority for the care, management and discipline of each other’s children. Planning in advance and having the children experience these clearly set structures help the children learn and adjust to new rules.
A new partner can be a wonderful and refreshing experience for separated parents. However, before moving too quickly to marriage or co-habitation, it is best to take time to facilitate adjustment. The purpose of this is to increase the probability that the newly blended family will succeed for everyone and thus limit the chance of another failed marriage with all the disruption it brings to the children.
Do develop and enjoy new relationships. This is natural and healthy. Do so with sensitivity to your children’s adjustment. It really does take considerable time, energy and discussion.
Adapted from: Fogarty, Ferrer, and McCrea http://edis.ifas.ufl.edu/pdffiles/HE/HE35800.pdf; Direnfeld http://www.yoursocialworker.com/p-articles/blended_families.pdf
Have a question you would like answered? Call 330-674-3015, email shumaker.68@osu.edu, or write to OSU Extension, Holmes County, 10 S. Clay St., Suite 102, Millersburg 44654.
Published: May 4, 2011
