Ten questions to ask your father
What are the things you’ve never asked your dad (or your mom) but should?
One daughter didn’t learn that her father hated horseback riding until she was an adult—even though he took her for her first real riding lesson together—including a gallop!
Another mother recalled scraping by on very little money as a single parent. She would still take her daughter out for ice cream occasionally but forego the treat herself—telling her daughter she wasn’t really hungry. Now she feels badly for lying but I bet she isn’t the only Dad or Mom who has done this.
A 75-year-old man I knew died after an accident recently. A number of people at his funeral spoke about what a great booming laugh he had, and how they’ll miss that. I wonder if his children ever told their father how much they enjoyed hearing him laugh. I hope so.
A company that specializes in helping families preserve photos, stories and audio/video interviews recorded with loved ones suggests these nine questions as conversation starters for your Father’s day get-together. Perhaps you don’t want to ask them all, but pick the ones you want to ask, turn on a video or audio recorder (some people are shy about being on camera), and create your own memories. (Or check out PricelessLegacy.com for their kits.)
What did you enjoy most about being a Dad? Least?
Are there things you wish you had done differently as a father?
In what ways are we alike and in what ways are we different?
Why did you marry my mother?
Is there anything you ever wanted to tell us (me) but have not?
What is the secret to raising good kids?
Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents (my grandparents)?
Do you think today’s fathers have it harder, easier or just different? How?
What do you want to make sure that my children and grandchildren will remember about you?
I would add a tenth question. What is your favorite hymn, movie or book? When I go to funerals and sing certain hymns, what really gets to me emotionally is “hearing” (in the back of my head) my father’s slight-off-key but robust singing as we sing an older, familiar song. He died five years ago now and was NOT a good singer, but now I remember how his bass boomed out anyway—just enjoying the music and words. But we never really asked him which songs were his favorites. I could guess at some and we did guess to find music for his funeral. So asking about his favorite music (or whatever) makes a worthwhile line of questions, too.
We did ask my dad about his childhood and young adult years, but in his late 80s, he just couldn’t remember his stories anymore. We would prompt and push him—but we usually ended up spinning it out ourselves, with him just kind of nodding along. So that’s another danger in not doing this kind of purposeful questioning soon enough.
Your father wasn’t perfect? Not sure you want to open this kind of discussion with him? That’s a good question, but many dads do mellow out as they age, and unless there was real abuse or addiction issues, remember that most of us are not perfect nor did we have perfect dads. I think of the great patriarchs in the Bible who were so flawed, every one: Abraham, Jacob, Isaac, David. Yet they did great and wonderful things and were faithful followers of God. Perhaps it is time to lighten up on our dads and love them for what they are, not for what they aren’t.
What are your favorite memories? How can you preserve them for your children and grandchildren? I do hope you have relaxing and special times with your family or dad during this season of remembering and honoring fathers.
What are your memories of your father? Besides sharing them with your father, post your comment at Another Way at http://www.thirdway.com/aw or send to melodied@thirdwaymedia.org or by regular mail to Another Way, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803.
Another Way is a column from Third Way Media by Melodie Davis. She is the author of nine books, most recently Whatever Happened to Dinner and has written Another Way since 1987. She is also the producer and cohost of Shaping Families radio program (shapingfamilies.com) airing nationally.
One daughter didn’t learn that her father hated horseback riding until she was an adult—even though he took her for her first real riding lesson together—including a gallop!
Another mother recalled scraping by on very little money as a single parent. She would still take her daughter out for ice cream occasionally but forego the treat herself—telling her daughter she wasn’t really hungry. Now she feels badly for lying but I bet she isn’t the only Dad or Mom who has done this.
A 75-year-old man I knew died after an accident recently. A number of people at his funeral spoke about what a great booming laugh he had, and how they’ll miss that. I wonder if his children ever told their father how much they enjoyed hearing him laugh. I hope so.
A company that specializes in helping families preserve photos, stories and audio/video interviews recorded with loved ones suggests these nine questions as conversation starters for your Father’s day get-together. Perhaps you don’t want to ask them all, but pick the ones you want to ask, turn on a video or audio recorder (some people are shy about being on camera), and create your own memories. (Or check out PricelessLegacy.com for their kits.)
What did you enjoy most about being a Dad? Least?
Are there things you wish you had done differently as a father?
In what ways are we alike and in what ways are we different?
Why did you marry my mother?
Is there anything you ever wanted to tell us (me) but have not?
What is the secret to raising good kids?
Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents (my grandparents)?
Do you think today’s fathers have it harder, easier or just different? How?
What do you want to make sure that my children and grandchildren will remember about you?
I would add a tenth question. What is your favorite hymn, movie or book? When I go to funerals and sing certain hymns, what really gets to me emotionally is “hearing” (in the back of my head) my father’s slight-off-key but robust singing as we sing an older, familiar song. He died five years ago now and was NOT a good singer, but now I remember how his bass boomed out anyway—just enjoying the music and words. But we never really asked him which songs were his favorites. I could guess at some and we did guess to find music for his funeral. So asking about his favorite music (or whatever) makes a worthwhile line of questions, too.
We did ask my dad about his childhood and young adult years, but in his late 80s, he just couldn’t remember his stories anymore. We would prompt and push him—but we usually ended up spinning it out ourselves, with him just kind of nodding along. So that’s another danger in not doing this kind of purposeful questioning soon enough.
Your father wasn’t perfect? Not sure you want to open this kind of discussion with him? That’s a good question, but many dads do mellow out as they age, and unless there was real abuse or addiction issues, remember that most of us are not perfect nor did we have perfect dads. I think of the great patriarchs in the Bible who were so flawed, every one: Abraham, Jacob, Isaac, David. Yet they did great and wonderful things and were faithful followers of God. Perhaps it is time to lighten up on our dads and love them for what they are, not for what they aren’t.
What are your favorite memories? How can you preserve them for your children and grandchildren? I do hope you have relaxing and special times with your family or dad during this season of remembering and honoring fathers.
What are your memories of your father? Besides sharing them with your father, post your comment at Another Way at http://www.thirdway.com/aw or send to melodied@thirdwaymedia.org or by regular mail to Another Way, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803.
Another Way is a column from Third Way Media by Melodie Davis. She is the author of nine books, most recently Whatever Happened to Dinner and has written Another Way since 1987. She is also the producer and cohost of Shaping Families radio program (shapingfamilies.com) airing nationally.
Published: June 9, 2011
