Birthing blonde
But you heard me right! On Tuesday, Dec. 6, at 8:33 p.m., my beautiful nephew Rowan came into this world, and with what seemed like my entire Facebook friend list watching for his arrival, I thought for sure we'd hit national news if I could just upload the whole process onto the Internet. Good thing my sister was born 19 years ago with better judgment than I ever had, or possibly will ever accumulate.
After being in labor for 12 and a half hours, it just seemed like everyone was waiting on pins and needles to see what Rowan looked like and if both he and mommy would be OK. I'm happy to report he is the cutest baby I've ever seen and he, mom and dad finally arrived safely at home to settle into their new life.
Oh, I forgot to mention the best part. I watched the birth happen, from start to finish. I saw it all, the unedited version, and no, I did not pass out. Although, I now have a complete aversion to delivering a child the old-fashioned way. It was honestly like watching one of those Saw movies… a slow torture that was absolutely terrifying in every way imaginable.
My sister only had to endure three centimeters of pain before her epidural kicked in, which sure, isn't that much, unless you're the one feeling the contractions. Then you just want to kill someone, or so it came across as I sat at the foot of my sister's bed playing on my computer, thanking her for giving me a "day off" work.
Note to self: Do not complain about how uncomfortable your chair is when you're sitting with a woman in labor. Nothing good comes of this.
Once Madison received the magical meds, however, she was a ball of laughs. Slightly loopy and seriously pain-free, the jokes and photos started snapping at every turn – a true Frank delivery at it's finest. The whole Facebook world was able to witness our shenanigans, as one Frank girl after another jumped into a shot with the pregnant one, giving a thumbs up and the "Shooter McGavin" (as my youngest sister enjoys doing) for hours on end. All was well in the baby world.
You see, I had gladly accepted the challenge from my younger, yet wiser and further along in life, sister when she asked I be in the room with her and her husband, Rocky. Little did I know that Dec. 6 would be the best, and possibly worst, day of my life.
I also decided to film the entire thing, which some might find disgusting. But I did it mostly for the sake of reminding myself in the future of the pain I could endure, should I someday choose to breed my own litter. Easy birth control, I must say.
The doctor came in, noticed my handheld camera strapped to my wrist, and commented, "You're filming this? Good thing I also wear a helmet cam."
I knew from that moment, I was going to like this doctor. She was a no-nonsense kind of gal. She told it like it was and her dry sense of humor was refreshing, since she could have either been a Hitler doctor, shouting, "No baby for you!" or one that cooed at my sister, telling her everything was great, when in fact, it probably wasn't.
And now we come to the actual delivery. Let me be blunt for a second.
My sister is a bad pusher. She'd have one good one every now and then, but the doctor kept telling her, in the nicest way possible, that she was horrible at this whole "getting the baby out quickly" thing. In my sister's defense, she was completely numb down there and this was the first baby in our generation – so how was she supposed to know what to do? Anyway, at about 6:30, we saw the tip of the baby's head, full of dark hair… and that's where he stayed… for two more hours. The only thing running through my mind was, "I hope this baby doesn't come out looking like Dan Aykroyd from Coneheads." I pictured him saying, "I find you unacceptable!" when I held him for the first time. No good.
There were several complications with the delivery, which I won't go into for the sake of my sister's privacy, but little Rowan came out breathing very hard. Seriously though, he was like a big watermelon stuck in a tiny straw for two hours – I can only imagine the distress he was in… like a fish out of water, struggling for big breaths of air.
And he did have a conehead, but fortunately for everyone, babies have skulls made of silly putty and it formed itself into a nice rounded shape by the very next day. He was still the most beautiful little man I had ever laid eyes on, conehead, slime and all.
Oh, and I also forgot to mention my cell phone died as soon as we started pushing, so I had to figure out how to work my sister's ancient Droid to update the 25-plus waiting family members between pushes. Yes, we had that many people in the hospital AFTER visiting hours. Only the Frank-Moore team would try something so diabolical, so annoying and so truly our style.
My mind was blank as I tried to find contact and phone numbers for everyone waiting outside – because my sister labels people in her phone as Princess Paige, Hubby, Daddy and Vicky Hotness, as opposed to using an organized first and last name theme like myself – so unfortunately for him, my new boyfriend, whose number I actually can recall from memory, was the recipient of most of my updates. He and my dad, the two most unlikely individuals to relay messages to my half-panicked mother and worried grandmothers, were chosen with the esteemed honor of interpreting quick messages and keeping everyone calm, when the pushing was taking longer than expected. I don't know how they did out there, but it goes without saying, I owe them big. Especially to Jason, who has only dated me two months, and stayed the entire two and half hours, in a small waiting room, with the Frank-Moore family. Let me tell you, that takes guts.
When I finally emerged into the hallway to my awaiting family, I must have looked like a medic coming off the battlefield of war. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe what I had just seen – the most beautiful woman and the most fantastic baby make it through a seriously grueling ordeal.
I went straight into my boyfriend's arms and cried. I was so happy, and yet at the same time, was coming down from the biggest scare of my life. There's nothing worse than looking at your baby sister and seeing what I did. I will never forget the way she stared at me, her green-blue eyes piercing through my own up and hearing her simple words of "It hurts." Those two words crushed my heart, and with Rocky updating the family and checking on the baby, I was all alone to keep her calm and get her through it. I will never be able to express how relieved I was when I found out everything was going to be all right. I feel closer to my sister than I ever have, and I can't express to everyone how she is truly one of my best friends and someone I will look up to forever.
I also want to say thanks to excellent care by the nurses and doctors at Union Hospital. Everyone is happy and healthy, and I couldn't be more in love with my little nephew. I don't think anyone will be seeing my own live birthing process on Facebook anytime soon though, as I simply think adoption or a trip to the convent at St. Mary's is in order.
Published: December 10, 2011
